The Southern Male Democrat

Here we are a week from the primaries in my home state of North Carolina. I should be writing about politics (as Mrs. SMD lobbied me to do over lunch today) but instead I’ve got something far more important on the brain.

What can possibly be more important to the Southern Male Democrat than politics? The fact that I have recently discovered a life-changing condiment. This condiment takes the bad and makes it good like a combo watch and phone. It takes food that is wrong and makes it right.

Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you Bacon Salt.

Let’s begin with the product’s slogan and premise – “Because EVERYTHING should taste like bacon.” How can you argue with such a basic truth? Ordinary french fries are now bacon fries. Scrambled eggs are now bacon eggs. Basically, sprinkling this stuff on just about any food you want entitles the sprinkler to put the word “bacon” in front of the food’s name.

That’s all well and good, as everyone likes to add a little spice to the junk foods we already love. Here’s where the life-changing part comes in. Bacon Salt makes foods we hate much more palatable.

Long-time friends of the SMD know my seven letter rule. I don’t like vegetables that have more than seven letters. Peas? Love’em. Corn? More please. Okra? I’ll sometimes skip dessert for thirds of my Mom’s okra. But anything with seven letters or more will have to fight like hell to ever get space on my plate. This list includes – asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, zhuzhu hamsters, cabbage – you know, all the things we should eat plenty of access query scheduler!

(Let me save the smart alecks some typing time. The seven letter rule does not apply to vegetables with two-word names such as green beans.)

In the quest to see how far the power of Bacon Salt would go, I baked some asparagus with it. What was previously an exercise in choking down a green is now a pleasant trip through bacon-y e liquid goodness. The asparagus literally had a nice bacon flavor. I cleaned my plate and even ate the tips.

A whole new world of healthy food is now open to me!! Ultimas Spinach? Put it on my plate and pass the Bacon Salt. Broccoli? Hmmm…I am unsure whether to use hickory, peppered or regular flavor Bacon Salt.

And the best part is – there’s no fat or calories! (Yeah, it won’t help my sodium, but the numbers weren’t through the roof either.)

I’m off to the store. There’s a sale on asparagus. Make that “bacon asparagus.”